The Settlers of Catan

“I’m rolling in the resources!” cried Eric excitedly. “I almost forgot how much I love this game… almost.”
“You’re always like this when you’re winning.” I sullenly replied. Eric already had six points to my two and we hadn’t even started counting the sevens yet. “Just wait, once the the twelves start rolling I’ll have a monopoly on the rock and you’ll be in a world of hurt.”
“Ha! Good luck with that! Twelves? Seriously.”
Eric was always like this. If he was losing he was a pill but if he was winning, oh man was he excited, continuously making cutting comments to every other player. He could definitely dish it out but he couldn’t take it.
We continued playing and my mind wandered. Why was I with Eric? He was only fun when it was just the two of us and it hadn’t been just the two of us for a long time. His new best friend Cindy was a permanent fixture on weekends and holidays. I thought back to my last birthday:
“Hey Jack, d’you mind if Cindy comes to dinner with us. Her sister’s working again and she’s gonna be all alone tonight. I just feel sorry for her, ya know?”
Of course I minded. Cindy was a beautiful blonde, with sparkling blue eyes and a waist about the size of my left thigh. But I couldn’t let him know how much it bothered me. He would say that I should just relax. He was in love with me and had no romantic feelings for her whatsoever. I didn’t believe him, I saw the way he looked at her but I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of breaking up with him. Who did she think she was, always hanging out with my boyfriend? Didn’t she have any other friends? I mustered up a cheerful voice and replied, “Well, the reservation is just for two and we haven’t been able to have a night alone together for quite awhile.”
“I actually thought we could maybe go to Applebee’s, Cindy doesn’t really like fish especially raw fish.”
It was my birthday for God sake, but that didn’t change the fact that the world revolved around the goddess Cindy. I had been looking forward to trying the new sushi place for weeks and Eric had been telling me that we’d have a night to ourselves for what seemed like months. I was fed up. I didn’t know if I wanted to go anymore. Even when we were alone the conversation would continually return to the woman I loved to hate. When I didn’t respond Eric enthusiastically continued. “Guess what Cindy told me today? A giraffe’s tongue is so long it can lick it’s own ear! Isn’t that hilarious? I mean, can you imagine a giraffe licking it’s own ear? The mental picture gets me every time.” Eric was in hysterics. Eric was always in hysterics.
“Seriously Eric, it’s not that funny.” I bitterly replied. “Ya know, I’m actually not feeling that well. I don’t think I want to go to dinner after all. Maybe we can just stay in tonight.”
“Are you sure? Alright, I’ll call Cindy and have her bring over Raising Helen, she says it’s one of the best chick flicks she’s ever seen and that we have to see it! She’s gonna be bummed we’re not going to Applebee’s though. She was really craving a mandarin salad.”
I was too pissed to remind him that we had gone to see Raising Helen together and we had both agreed that it was awful.


“It’s your turn Jack, you’ve got a lot of catching up to do! I’m up to seven points now! And Cindy’s got six.”
“Yeah Jack, you’re like checked out tonight! I suck and I’m even beating you! Beginner’s luck I guess!” Cindy obnoxiously laughed and Eric laughed along with her for far too long.
Did she just call me Jack?! I hated being called Jack. Eric had picked it up years before just to bug me and I had never really gotten use to it. To hear it coming out of her little cherry lips was almost perverse. I had been mechanically going through the motions, special builds and all. I had built two roads but nothing to get me points and my roads were headed straight for Eric’s fifth settlement. I was obviously going to lose, even to Cindy. Eric and Cindy were now going through a series of memories that the rest of the players and I hadn’t been a part of. I’d heard about the time Eric tripped on a curb about a million times before. “Eric, you’re face was so hilarious! I wish you could’ve seen his face Jack. You would’ve laughed for days!”
There it was again, the name that she knew I hated and only Eric used. Twice in one sitting was too much to handle. I slowly stood up, purse in hand, and walked out into the pouring rain. My Geo Tracker was parked next to Cindy’s apple red 2005 BMW. As I slowly pulled the key along the driver’s side of her beemer I had a queer sense of satisfaction. She could have him. I didn’t even think he was that attractive and he certainly wasn’t a comic genius. I comforted myself by listing all of Eric’s faults and concluded that I would be settling if I stayed with him. I really hated settling which explains why I didn’t enjoy that stupid game that Eric was so obsessed with. I hated them both. Their piercing laughter was still ringing in my ears. I could see through the window that Eric and Cindy were stunned. They had finally stopped laughing.

Why I am Harry Potter

I am Harry Potter.

No-one told me that I would be going to graduate school at Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but I do, and now I am Harry Potter. “Why is that?” you ask. Well, friend, sit down a spell and let me educate you.

First, we in the entering class are called “first-years,” and supposedly that is supposed to make us feel like we are welcome. It’s not uncommon to hear a professor shout, “Hey, first year… yeah!” We first-years don’t mind much, I mean, we are first years, and I guess that has some kind of meaning when you are a second-year, or dare I say it without genuflecting (ok, ok, I’ll genuflect), third-years.

Second, I spend half my time studying people who are insane, and I doubt any other graduate student studies the kind of insane people I study, thus providing more evidence that I am Harry Potter. I mean, listen to this sentence that was in my reading: “The spirit of this earth is the fire in which Pontanus digests his feculent matter, the blood of infants in which the gold and silver bathe themselves, the unclean Green Lyon.” Do you see now why I am Harry Potter? Who else but little Harry would be reading crap like that?! And you don’t even know yet who wrote that, and I haven’t told you because I know it is going to cause you to flip your lid, man. You’re gonna go nuts right when I tell you, I know it, man. Seriously. Watch out, man, because you aren’t ready for this. Ok, ok, get ready…it was Sir Isaac Newton.

Ha, I knew you weren’t ready for that. Isaac “I invented Calculus” Newton. He wrote that, and it wasn’t just some joke he put up on his blog for all his friends to read. He was serious, and now I am Harry Potter, destined to save the world from the evil Lord Voldewhatever. It sucks, but I’m ready. I’ve been practicing real hard and it’s not making me a better wizard, but these things take time. Stop rushing me. I don’t see you blasting little kids’ out of their drawers or turning old ladies into weasels or bears or things like weasels and bears like cats or beavers. I mean, come on man. That doesn’t happen until, like, late third year at least.

I can hear you scoffing, and it’s true, I don’t have the lighting scar, but so what the bleep? I’ve got a mole right on my forehead, and if that’s just a coincidence then you will have to convince me so, my friend, because I just don’t see how it’s possible. I am Harry Potter.